Counting my blessings and Silencing my fears….

I know how blessed I am. I have experienced many scary situations, too many hospitalizations and more than my share of “sick days”. Since being diagnosed with Lupus in my early 20’s I have learned how strong I am and how much of an amazing support system I have. I’ve learned that my life while crazy, chaotic and scary at times is also blessed.

I mean with all that has happened here I still stand able to tell all of you my story. I’ve made it through these experiences and have been living my life with a few detours but living it just the same. My most recent blessing was having a kidney transplant 5 weeks ago and counting. I’m feeling pretty good, my labs are where they should be and I’m working my way back to pre-surgery stamina. All of that being said and I still have my fears. I know that everyone has something they are afraid of but for those of us dealing with a chronic illness or similar issues although I can only speak for myself I feel as if our fears or concerns are a bit harder to shake.

What I mean by that is that while I’m feeling pretty good right now I can’t help but worry when I feel a pain in my leg because that could be a symptom of a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) of which I have experience. What if I feel short of breath, a pain in my chest, develop a cough? Does that mean I’m developing a PE (pulmonary embolism) another thing I’ve experienced twice over the years. Can I be experiencing any one of the vast side effects of my new medications? What if my weight fluctuates during the week? What if my urine output suddenly drops lower than my input? Does that mean that my new kidney has suddenly stopped working?

Maybe you’re thinking “this girl has too much time on her hands” or “she really knows how to complain and/or focus on the negative”. I can assure you I really don’t do that…or not all that often. I am human though and over the years due to experiences I’ve learned that for me paying attention to the small things that others may just brush off can be important to my health and mental well being. Right now for as blessed as I feel and as happy as I am knowing I have a new lease on life I still find those fears creeping in. Just yesterday I was finally able to have something called a JP drain removed. I had this drain in since surgery (5 weeks ago) and it was getting rid of fluid that was accumulating around my new kidney. While I understood the reason for it and the necessity it was also uncomfortable, physically irritating and made it difficult to sleep, walk for extended periods and just move around easily. My doctor agreed to take it out yesterday but could not promise that the fluid was done draining and/or that it would not accumulate inside my body necessitating the need for the drain to once again be put back.

Does this scare me? Yes! I am not sure if I should be happy that it’s no longer draining because maybe that means that any fluid is gone and/or being reabsorbed by my body or it could mean that it could be accumulating as I write this. I can’t obsess over this and I can’t allow it to rule my life but the fear is there the same. Sometimes I just want to scream with the fact that I even have any of these thoughts going through my head. So I find myself focusing on my blessings, remembering all that I’ve made it through and the strength I’ve found inside myself to keep moving forward. At the same time I try not to let those fears overcome me and work on silencing them with the positivity that I’ve worked hard to make a part of my everyday life.

A quote that I came across over 20 years ago and that has helped me to focus on where I want to be and what I need to do is attributed to Amelia Earhart. It says “Courage is the Price that Life exacts for granting Peace.” Whatever courage means for each one of us may be different as well as what constitutes peace but the meaning behind the quote remains the same. So while my fears are real I cannot allow them to overwhelm me and in order to silence them I have to remember and focus on my blessings. Everything is connected and while I continue to reach for courage in all situations I can only hope that peace is my reward.